


Of Bows and Lightsabers

by KageSama



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Crack, F/F, I'm bad at tags, It's just a bunch of dumbass Hunters, Lightsabers, My first fic, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power References, Star Wars References, They get far too many lightsabers, Zoë 's alive, deal with it., that's the story.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:53:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24705634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KageSama/pseuds/KageSama
Summary: Turns out there’s a reason why Artemis and her Hunters stick to the woods. They only interact with civilised world of mortals when they have to. Each time a new Hunter is accepted into the group she introduces new, foreign concepts to the others, like phrases used by hip teenagers… Or stories from their favorite books and movies. Because what evil can come from retelling some sappy movie at night, when gathered around campfire?A lot, actually. And it all started the day Artemis learned about Star Wars.
Relationships: Artemis/Zoë Nightshade (Percy Jackson), Thalia Grace/Reyna Avila Ramírez-Arellano
Comments: 16
Kudos: 76





	Of Bows and Lightsabers

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! :3 My first fic here. Inspired by the awesome The_idea_master, encouraged by theDarkestKnight1939. I'm not a native speaker, so feel free to point out any mistakes! Enjoy!

Turns out there’s a reason why Artemis and her Hunters stick to the woods. They only interact with civilised world of mortals when they have to. Each time a new Hunter is accepted into the group she introduces new, foreign concepts to the others, like phrases used by hip teenagers… Or stories from their favorite books and movies. Because what evil can come from retelling some sappy movie at night, when gathered around campfire?  
A lot, actually. And it all started the day Artemis learned about Star Wars.  
It was a gradual process. Sharing stories at the campfire was always the goddess’ favorite pastime (well, outside of hunting and private time with Zoë), so she always listened closely to her Hunters’ tales. At first there was this godsawful story about a young boy who saves a princess, finds some magical super-strength within himself and defeats evil… Classical myth, Artemis was not a fan of that. Then came the so-called „prequels”, more complicated and, at times, plain silly. The goddess didn’t think much about it. But then… The newest addition to the Hunt, geek teenager named Lilli, brought the knowledge of the „sequels”, with female main protagonist. Well, this was the point when Zoë could not stop Artemis from taking the whole group to the nearest movie theater when they found out about the premiere of the last movie. The lieutenant, resigned to Artemis’ plea, decided to snatch goddess’ favorite half-sister and her praetor girlfriend from New Rome to the premiere. At least there would be someone with her to make sure Artemis won’t start turning other viewers (the male ones, of course) into animals.  
Luckily, it didn’t come to that. Artemis and her group had only some basic knowledge about Star Wars, so they did not pick up on the easter eggs and references. They were more focused on the visuals, as the oldest members of the Hunt stopped catching up with technological advances long ago. To say the least, they were stunned, Artemis most of all.  
Zoë really should’ve seen it coming. She remembered how disastrous it ended the last time she let her goddess leave her sight… But Artemis promised she was just going to Olympus, so the lieutenant just shrugged and agreed to lead the Hunters and escort their guests, Thalia and Reyna, back to New Rome. The journey was not long or perilous, but Zoë could feel the unrest building inside of her.  
„You sure you can handle this?” asked Thalia, „Maybe I should stay with you guys for a while…?”  
„No,” Zoë’s answer was loud and clear, „I can handle her.”  
Oh, how wrong she was.  
In the next few days, the Hunters found themselves a nice patch of land in some forgotten, sacred forest and set their camp there, waiting for their patron to come back. None of them thought much about their movie theater adventure, though Zoë more than once caught Lilli and some others writing their own Star Wars stories. They called it „fanfiction”. Zoë had a feeling this was not a good sign.  
And then Artemis came back, bearing a large sack of lightsabers.  
Lightsabers.  
She went to Olympus to harass Hephaestus to make her a few dozen of lightsabers.  
Zoë couldn’t even.  
The Hunters were more than happy, though. Each found a weapon for herself, chose her blade color with a nifty knob at the handle and began the destruction. Oh, how satyrs would cry, waliling about the destruction of nature, brought by uncaring technology… The thing is, it wasn’t the technology’s fault. It was just a bunch of dumbass Hunters, running around and chopping down trees because it’s fun.  
At some point Zoë’s patience run out and she marched into her and her goddess’ tent, hoping for some backup.  
„My Lady, I believe we have a problem,” she started hesitantly  
Artemis was in the middle of gathering her hair into a… Well, Zoë had no idea how to call this hairstyle, but it was complicated enough for her not to be mad when her goddess did not turn to her to talk properly.  
„What did our kids do this time?” asked Artemis, visibly focused on getting herself into more presentable form.  
„Well…” Zoë started sweating. She did not know if it was because of her goddess’ fancy look or the rising temperature from the outside. „Turns out those things really need safety switches. And other measures of safety, for that matter.”  
Something went wrong with the binding and when Artemis let go of her hair it went back to being this majestic, fiery mane Zoë so loved… At least mostly, because the left half of Artemis’ head was bald, as if she tried an undercut. Possibly to hide a disastrous effect of switching a lightsaber on without proper attention… Possibly.  
„We just need training!” exclaimed the goddess with courageous and obviously fake smile  
„But they set the woods on fire!”

***

It was honestly a miracle that none of the girls died. During the evacuation they just run around with their arms spread, shouting „pew pew!” at each other. Zoë thought that it was bad, but then Artemis joined the others, which was even worse. They lost all of the tents, most of the bows and arrows and other pieces of equipment… But not those cursed lightsabers. Every last one of them made it out with its owner, which was unbearable to Zoë, who was the only one to stick with her original weapon.  
So right now the whole group stood on some road, watching the forest burning.  
„I… Have a bad feeling about this,” admitted Artemis, shaking her head with a pained grimace.  
„Which one of you did this?” Zoë was first to blame her dumbass Hunter-wannabies. „I’m not mad, I just want to know,” she lied.  
The girls looked uneasy.  
„These aren’t the Hunters you’re looking for!” exclaimed one of them.  
„What… What does it even mean?!”  
Artemis seemed to be happy with the group’s answer, though.  
„So, not our fault,” she smiled, „A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one.”  
Zoë looked at her goddess in disbelief. Judging from the Hunters’ faces the lieutenant came to the conclusion that her beloved patron was not treating all of this seriously. As always.  
„Alright, that’s it!” she yelled, irritated „I’m going back to my father so he can kill me! Still less painful than living with y’all!”  
The others might’ve cared if Zoë’s Mental Breakdowns Caused By Dumbass Hunters™ weren’t such a common occurence, however Artemis, as always, out of all things, treated them with the highest possible seriousness.  
„No!” she pleaded with watery eyes. And then, when Zoë honestly considered calming down, the goddess added in a low voice „I am your father!”  
And how was Zoë supposed to answer that? She decided to stay for now and later, in the privacy of their new tent, make sure that from now on her „daddy” will be more responsible.  
Spoiler: it didn’t work.

***

It took two weeks for the other gods to intervene and finally deprive the Hunters of their new weapons. It was high time in Zoë’s opinion, as the Hunt was now less about, well, hunting, and more about reenacting scenes from Star Wars, writing wild fanfictions, conducting experiments with melting various substances and finding monuments and statues of males to „redo” them with lightsabers. Alas the Olympians decided to ban the dangerous weapons, took all of them from the Hunters (and Artemis, despite her protests and pleas) and chucked them all into Hephaestus’ fiery forge, never to be seen again.  
So now it should be all back to normal, right?  
Wrong.  
„This „food” is going to kill us,” complained one of the Hunters, biting into her fries with no enthusiasm  
The others nodded, gathered around the campfire, each girl with a paper bag full of fast food.  
„Well, we need something to eat,” sighed Artemis „Since we couldn’t hunt anything… Again. It must be a curse.”  
„It’s because they took away our lightsabers!” shouted another Hunter, waving her fist so vigorously that the burger she held in it went flying in an impressive throw.  
The others proceeded to throw their food as well.  
„Our wolves are going to die of calories because of you,” Zoë said, shaking her head. Surely, the camp’s white-fur protectors rushed to the food. „Besides… Please, consider that we could actually hunt if you all could… I don’t know, modest suggestion, STOP MAKING LIGHTSABER NOISES WITH YOUR BOWS?!”  
„You ask too much of us,” the Hunters all shook their heads.  
„A little help here?” Zoë looked at her goddess with a silent plea.  
But Artemis was also guilty of providing additional sound effects to her bow, so she had to think fast.  
„…Beep beep boop?”  
Yes, this was probably the closest Zoë’s ever been to divorcing her dumbass goddess.

***  
„That’s rough, buddy,” Thalia agreed  
She only stayed with the Hunt for a few days at a time before running back to her girlfriend, so Zoë always had to fill her in with the details of the perils of Hunters.  
„If this is another reference, gods help me…” threatened the lieutenant, hiding her head in her hands. „I honestly don’t know what to do. Every time she asks me to do something she cries if I don’t do the „yes, my Master” and heavy breathing part.”  
„Kinky.”  
„Please, don’t.”  
„I think I may have a solution for you,” Zeus’ daughter patted her on the back with a smile, „See, the Romans borrowed Annabeth’s laptop and made copies of it. No ancient knowledge, but it has access to the Internet.”  
„Internet… I’ve heard many dark stories about it…”  
„Now you’re just being overdramatic,” Thalia dismissed her worries, „The point is, you can have almost infinite number of books and movies with you, wherever you go. At least if Artemis can conjure up some power. That way your group won’t have to be fixated on one thing!”  
Zoë thought it was a brilliant idea. So next time Thalia visited she brought a sturdy, water and magic proof laptop for all the Hunters to enjoy. Artemis was obviously in charge of the new toy, so the Hunters quickly adopted the custom of movie nights and the „one more episooode!” became a common saying. Zoë should be happy… But she did not consider the fact that giving Artemis a laptop full of epic tales would prove disastrous for their private life.  
And that it would spark another unhealthy obsession in the Hunters.

***

Two weeks later the gods had to confiscate the laptop, along with few dozens of glowing crystal swords, because they needed actual monster hunters and not a bunch of dumbasses running with the glowy weapons, yelling something about honor and trying to transform into eight-feet-tall sword-princesses.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/comment?


End file.
